A letter to P.

To my dearest friend, Peter.

You know, I was just chillin out on my bed, reading a book and drinking some tea, pretending to be a healthy, balanced, spiritual person who's got their shit together. While also smoking cigarettes. You know me. So anyway, as I was layin on my bed I got a notification on my phone and even I was surprised at how much I hoped that it came from you. My heart started pounding faster and I was terribly disappointed when I saw that it was just one of my friends, and not you.

Because you know, I love you, yet you can never understand the true nature of my love. And that is because even I cannot understand myself. I love you as a friend, I love you as if you were the only good friend for me left on earth, even though I know it's not true, I know that I have plenty of people who care about me and love me, and you helped me to believe it. And maybe this is the reason why I have such strong feelings towards you. Because if I don't meet you back in November I may still don't believe that the people who say that they stand beside me at my worst, really mean what they say. You've taught me how to trust people after so many of them betrayed me and I will for ever be thankful.

I love you in a truly peculiar way. I love you like a friend. I love you like a teacher, mentor. I love you like no other. But I also hate you. I hate you because I can't believe you when you say that you love me and that I've helped you the most when you were going through depression. But despite all my doubts I hope that one day I will trust and believe you the way you taught me to trust everyone else.

I love and will always love you.
With all the love I can give.
F. ♥